Back in Singapore

Phew. It's been a while. I did my trip to Dubai and Turkey which was great. The above is a photo taken at the Basilica Cistern. Spent two whole weeks living in the pockets of my sister and her husband. We managed not to kill one another and somehow the conversation never tired. Overall a lovely trip. Also nice to come back with something of a tan.

I still have another week or so of holidays and am putting it to good use by studying for my exam which is less than two weeks away. By studying of course I mean procrastinating and by procrastinating of course I mean updating my neglected blog.

Am a little conflicted about my move back to Melbourne. Even though it's only for 6 months I just know I'll be forced to make a hard choice at the end of it. Right now, strangely, it feels that my life is here in Singapore. While the hours for my job bug me without end, I do like my workplace and the people I work with. Last night I actually concocted a wild scheme to create a position for myself which would result in far more human hours. I'm not lacking in chutzpah that's for sure. Guess I'll wait and see what happens when I get back here in January.

Have a surprising amount of people to catch up with and do last meals etc with before I leave. The next four weeks will move very quickly. Me? Well, I've just got to keep up.

What makes you happy?

Small things crop up everyday that make us feel good, a joke from a co-worker a phone call or email from a friend, but the answer to the question "What makes you happy?" would seem to be a bit more difficult for most people.

When I was asked this question, I stammered a bit and grasped at my job and comics. Indeed these two things do make me happy, but I had to consider what else touches me, fills my heart with hope and the urge to soldier on. It's very easy to think about the things that annoy us. The injustices, the random tragedies, the rudeness of our fellow human beings. Have we as a society come so far and become so cynical and critical that we can barely even identify the truly good things in our lives?

While I'm very lucky to be blessed with rich friendships and a large family, it's still a difficult question even for me to answer.

Will the real Sox please stand up?

I was having dinner the other night with Miss K (yummy Peking Duck if you want to be jealous of me) when she explained that sometimes she couldn't "feel" me. We discussed this amidst grubby paws and she continued that at times when I speak it's with such an analytical voice, such a logical, detached voice (probably the one I'm using now), that it was very very difficult to engage on an emotional level with me. That other times I spoke with a degree of emotion that was touching.

The conversation got me thinking and I have to say I agree with her. I've known that I've been living with a kind of emotional disconnection for some time now. I've never known what to do about it. Probably never known how much it has affected my relationships. Not only does this kind of disconnect affect what I receive from others but also how I let those people bond to me. My relationships over the last couple of years, with the most wonderful girls, have ended a mess. I've pushed people away and honestly, I have no idea why.

So there are two me's. The me that empathises, cares and connects quickly and deeply with others. The me that gets me a girlfriend or draws friends to me. Then there's the me that is cold, hard, rational and doesn't allow emotion to influence the end outcome. Perhaps it's the former me that enters relationships and the latter me that ends them. I'm not honestly sure how one goes about "re-connecting". I don't even know if I can do it. But there are two me's. If I can then I only want one, and I know which one that is.

I think I mentioned in a previous post that I feel I'm beginning something. Something emotional or spiritual. Perhaps both. Miss K has been a catalyst for this but I feel that this is the path I've been looking for over the past decade. It's rocky and blind and I have no idea where it will take me but at least a path that leads to an old goal is one worth being on. In high school, it never interested me to be successful in the sense of money or job. Whenever anyone asked me and I was feeling perfectly honest, I would tell them that I just wanted to get the most from myself on an emotional and spiritual level. After a decade of booze and parties and people and places I feel that this original goal is a worthy one. One that I've allowed myself to ignore for some time.

Holidays? What for?

After a week off work in which I strapped myself into the couch, played DS and watched dvds I started back at it yesterday. One of my bosses asked me whether I went away. I said no and that its odd. When I stay here in Singapore during time off work periods I'd rather be at work quite frankly.

It was at this point in the conversation that my mind was screaming what the hell is wrong with you?! It's holidays! But honestly? I love sleeping in, but there's really not all tat much to do after that. I'm more motivated when I'm working than when I'm not. Yes, I've devolved into one of those people that defines themselves, at least somewhat, by their work.

Spoke to M on the phone last night. He told me that I shouldn't bother with weekends away because for the same price I could buy an X-box. After all, which one would give me more love? I hung my head and admitted that the SeXX-box would give me far more love. Damn him for being right.

Finished Battlestar Galactica so will be posting something on that in the next day or two.

I wonder how many Friday nights I've stayed at home and listened to the Beatles?

I realise that I'm not in touch with anyone at all from my two eras living in Japan. I send the occasional email to W and that's about it.

Traditional blogging has become as old skool as writing pen and paper letters to people.

My brother arrives in a couple of weeks. He's only here a short time but I have no idea what to do with him. Eeep!

Am likely to begin doing some work with an organisation shortly which will allow me to give something back to the community. Having been lucky and privileged doesn't mean I should be complacent.

Saw Watchmen. Did nothing for me. Particularly the poor decision making on the part of the director. Over-emphasizing the violence wasn't particularly clever. Assuming the viewer was too stupid to know what was happening just didn't work for me. Watchmen is so seminal because it doesn't pander to the audience and spell things out so completely. The film did and lost its subtle beauty in the process. Oh well, it's not like I ever have to watch it again.

The List

I've seen the list of websites banned by the Australian Communications and Media Authority (ACMA). I am not posting a link as I don't think posting a link to a list of child pornography websites is a great idea. However you smart cookies will know where to go to find this. While this all starts out with (from the names of the websites) what one would imagine to be child porn websites it rapidly goes through a period of farce which does not bode well for the future. Popular porn website X-Tube (basically YouTube for porn) has been banned as has the madcap antics of the Church of Euthanasia. The latter being extremely disturbing I agree, but there's a point at which people have to make decisions for themselves.

As I type this I've just received word that there is no true intention for any of this to actually happen. A close source in Canberra - what you think I'm actually going to reveal the poor guy's name?! - has indicated that this is just pandering to the various interest groups and will never actually go through. What's disturbing about this new information is the amount of time and money being spent on a series of smoke and mirrors. Sigh... got to love politics...

Surfing Australia Way

Placing several Wikileaks pages on the Australian government Internet censorship list may have woken the slumbering monster. The Age reports that Wikileaks will be publishing the complete list shortly (I just searched for it but obviously it's not up). I for one will be very curious to see what is on the list. Or rather, what beyond their initial sales pitch (to ban all child porn sites) has crept onto the list. The message here? Don't fuck with Wikileaks because they will fuck you back.

I should be upfront about this. I've been banging this drum for almost six months now to anyone that will listen. Tiresome though my friends may find it, it's certainly important. At least to me. The current administration in Australia plan to censor the Internet. Ostensibly this is to prevent people from looking at child porn and thereby save the children who are being abused. Huh? What's that? Preventing people from looking at child porn on the Internet will not save one single child and the money would be better spent on tracking down the people that upload/share/distribute this vile material? Seriously? Wow, never would have thought that.

The Australian government's model of censorship involves keeping a confidential list of the websites that are deemed "inappropriate". The minute you have confidential lists without independent arbitrators is the same time that suddenly any website condemning the government or disagreeing with their policies starts disappearing. The beauty of all this? We would never know! It smacks of Orwellian contempt for the people and in a country which has a fairly free media, it's also a bit disturbing to suddenly start pulling the strings on one form of media. What next? A Ministry of Truth to ensure that all of our media is "factually correct"?

More interesting to note is that the only countries currently censoring any individual pages from Wikileaks are China and the united Arab Emirates. Wow, we really are at the forefront of human rights violations now.

Genuine Transition

I feel like I've entered a period of transition. Anyone that's followed my history would be forgiven for suggesting that I'm fairly permanently in a phase of transition. I have spent much of the last decade switching countries with alarming regularity and for many people such things are often the harbingers of great change. Not so for me. Switching countries has always just been something I do. A means of staving off boredom and inertia. While I've been very very fortunate to be in a position to do such things, it's never really meant that much to me. In a spiritual sense. In the beginning that's how it started and after a few years it just became one of those things I do.

The last two weeks has brought with it no small amount of turmoil. Since failing the exam, an emotional well long neglected has made itself known. Full to overflowing it has caused me to stop and think. I made a new acquaintance recently, lets call her Miss K. She has been at the epicentre of much of this period and for that I am truly grateful. What started as a couple of months of chatting, emailing and messaging finally led to a meeting. Quite honestly, meeting her blew my mind. She's smart, successful, flawed and very beautiful. In a country like this she shines. So what do I do? Naturally I fall flat on my face, heart in an outstretched hand for her. Without going in to detail, there's no chance of her and I being anything more than friends. But meeting her? That's the real gift.

I talked to her about signposts last week. How sometimes in life we are sent messages which send us in one direction or another. Sometimes they are events or offers and sometimes they are people. This conversation came about because she asked me how I came to be in Singapore. She's a signpost. The irony of the signpost coming in the form of a woman I can't have isn't lost on me, but I digress.

Miss K is strongly religious. Not just in the attending a weekly service kind of way. She lives in a way that truly reflects some of the vast beauty available to organised religion. The beauty my cynical mind never acknowledges. She talks to God and truly considers what his/her expectations are as well as how that balances with her own desires and goals. That said, she's not a zealot. She allows for other lifestyles, other faithes and is capable of making mistakes. Through the course of our conversations she's done the one thing I prize above most others, she has inspired me.

I've spent two weeks talking with God. Perhaps talking is the wrong word. More so allowing myself to have some kind of communion with him/her. Don't get me wrong, I'm still reasonably opposed to organised religion as a concept. I respect those who are involved in it, but it's not my thing. When I was younger I took this opposition to mean that I in fact did not believe in God. I found though that that was untrue. I did believe in God. Since then I hadn't explored this any further.

Even though this hasn't yielded any answers (I don't expect such fables), it's certainly awakened a side of me that has been there, muted for some time. It's made me consider more thoroughly what I've been given, what I have and what I can give. And honestly? It's been more satisfying to reflect on these things than all the booze and mates and broads I've had in my life.

I'm someone that believes in a fairy tale. That there is that "one" out there. I've spent my entire time searching for her. For the first time since puberty I feel like that's not the most important thing. Sure it would be nice. But I feel like there's some kind of path now. I think I'm saying that I'm not interested in finding her right now. There are just more powerful things happening. More room for me to grow and achieve that person everyone else seems to see but I feel like I've never reached.

I don't know if I will feel this way forever. Maybe I'm in the grip of some madness. Either way there's a lot for me to gain while I'm here.

Ughh

Well after the 9 months of hell that was my study last year and then another 2-3 month wait for results, they're finally in! And the results are damning. I failed the final exam. Am still feeling very numb about the whole thing. There's no part of me that can actually understand how this happened. I never expected to blitz the exam. God, no. But I worked incredibly hard and figured I'd get over the line.

Yes here I am. This is as good an excuse as any for me to just dig a hole and hide in it for a while.

Internet, I like your old stuff better than your new stuff

When I was in high school I was very big into music. I couldn't play an instrument to save myself, but surely my flannel shirt, ripped jeans and Converse sneakers (perfect for sneaking obviously) gave me some kind of credibility. I remember how smug I felt when things I'd been listening to became popular with the mainstream kids on my school. After all, I'd been listening to that stuff for a number of years already. I was old skool.

Well, I'm beginning to feel that way about the Internet. My Facebook account has long since been hunted down and beaten in the street. I've flirted with the idea of starting up a Twitter or micro-blogging account. But honestly? Just because the technology is there to do something doesn't mean it's actually worth doing or in any way shape or form a good idea. We'll leave out how micro-blogging would be a mental impossibility for someone as sefishly verbose as me. So yes, I still (occasionally) blog here. I still use Yahoo Messenger - a decade of online chatting now, how bout that? Outside of blogs, the majority of sites I hit on a regular basis are all ones I've been using for years and years. I also still spend hours a day online in one capacity or another.

Despite Web 2.0 being very much the centre of user-generated content, I remain a fairly passive user of the Net. I basically never comment on blogs or forums, despite being an avid reader of both. I don't upload/make/share/revenge-post videos or photos. Outside of this blog I don't actually generate any of my own content. Which I guess ultimately puts me in some kind of middle band, those heavy Net-users that don't contribute all that much themselves. This is by no means an indictment on myself or the millions of other middle-band Net users. Judging by the sheer volume of trash being produced by heavy content-generators it may be for the better that me and my ilk are not filling the wasteland too.

So I'm one of the heavy users whose habits haven't changed. I haven't embraced the new possibilities. Some days there are things I would like to do/make/contribute but most of the time not. It's entirely possible that as someone who has spent a very heavy decade online that I'm just a wee bit jaded and uninterested in creating more rubbish or trying in some bizarre fashion to find my 5 minutes.

Saw Slumdog Millionaire on Friday. What an enchanting film! Yes, it has a predictable ending but the strength of the film is entirely in how they get to that ending, with the method of explaining the lead characters past being just the right side of clever. Gorgeous soundtrack to go with it. Yup, I enjoyed this one. Was also nice just to go see a movie again, even if it was on my 'Jack Jones'. Looking at the playlist and posters up... Danny Boyle, Bryan Singer, David Fincher and Darren Aronofsky. Hmmm... must be Oscars season again...

It would appear that soon enough I'll be starting The Great Property Hunt of 2009. Can't believe it's already been a year. Hopefully a downturn in the economy means an upgrade in living standard for me. Pretty selfish point of view when you consider that so many people will be downgrading and others losing their housing entirely (less so in Sg, but definitely in Australia and other countries).

Had to call my Mum tonight. Had a weird dream in the wee hours that she and Dad had been away and they came back but Mum was really upset with me. Perhaps a little guilt playing into it there as I hadn't called or emailed in a while. Seems that all the family is fine and noone we know directly has been affected by the bushfires. Awful stuff. Surreal to follow it on the news but then someone at my work, with little English, asked me if my family was ok when she ound out I was from Melbourne. Strange moment to get al emotional. Guess I am in the category of people that can be thankful nothing happened to anyone I know. Still feel awful about those that have been affected.

Ok enough. Other things to say but at some point you have to crawl in to bed and try to beat that high score on DS Boggle.

Smelly T-shirt

On the way back from stocking up on flu drugs today I opened my maibox to see a package waiting for me. You need to understand that the highlights of my mail-receiving experience are when POSB (technically not even my own bank!) contacts me to ask if I want to open a new high-interest savings account.

So this package was one of those cardboard style envelopes which have bubble-wrap inside them. Squishy! No return sender on the package. I opened it and realised it was a t-shirt. Wow! Some mystery person has sent me a t-shirt. How awesome! As I unwrapped it my memory started to focus in on the t-shirt. It was one of my own t-shirts!!! In addition, it smelt great. Some kind of perfume or smelliness-improver was added to the package.

As hard as I try, I have no idea who could have borrowed this. Two of the possible options are people that could have, and would have no reason not to, call me and say "Hey, I have a t-shirt of yours I want to give back". So I'm left with one guess left.

Don't know, it's all kind of out of the blue. I didn't even realise at this point that the t-shirt was missing. Worse yet that I don't know who sent it. I kind of wish I could pin it and say 'hey, that person definitely sent it'. What does it say about me?

Which one is going to get to the hundred dollar bill first?

Am sitting here annoying my ex-girlfriend by chatting to her while I catch up on blogs and watch Chasing Amy. Amazingly, Chasing Amy still holds up over a decade later. Sure, we all know the story now, so there are no surprises. It's littered with Kevin Smith's incredibly talky dialogue (love it or hate it). However it remains a really intimate little tale about the complications of two people experiencing love. While I would hardly place Smith in the category of auteur. I will give him a round of applause for the intimacy created in this film where many of the shots are quite tight and draw the audience that bit further into the entanglement between Holden and Alyssa.

It's been a strange week. Having experienced the War on Ants and The Long Cockroach March, I've now had to contend with the guerrilla tactics of mosquitoes. Resorting to the insect equivalent of a Missile Defense Shield in the form of Liquid Electric Repeller, I had my first decent night's sleep in five days last night.

Am also having weird and vivid dreams again. There's a point at which I'll have to stop saying again and just accept that I now have weird dreams. I've witnessed murders and been tortured this week alone. One might blame this on what I've been consuming this week, but violent content really hasn't been much a part of it. Unless you count a re-telling of the 1970 Collingwood-Carlton Grand Final.

Should it be bed time now..?

Blind Spots

Last night a friend asked me what I thought her weaknesses are. I tried to be honest in regards to her relationship issues but ultimately it's a very difficult and entirely subjective thing to comment on. Interestingly it's something I've asked the last couple of girls I've dated. To find out what the chinks in the armour are that I can't see. My blind spots.

As a teenager I went through a period of many months where I basically had no friends. No one to call at night and chat with. No one to catch a movie with. No one really to even have lunch with at school. I was inconsolable during this period, as it was only days, weeks, months ago that I did have these things. To find them ripped away in what at the time seemed the most calculated cruelty and now seems just a part of being a teenager, was devastating. During the time I rebuilt myself. I never changed so that I could be a part of things again, if anything this rebirth was quite the opposite. I found a deeper way of thinking and feeling things, promised myself that no outside force would ever define me again. That I would be what I was and the parts of the world that would come to me ultimately would. It all sounds very brave, but honestly, I cried myself to sleep at such realisations, not knowing whether the world would indeed find me once more.

As much as possible after this time I came to, for better or worse, have some kind of idea of what it was to be me. All this, and after some months, the world came back to me which is why, to this day, I'm blessed with such wonderful and individually brilliant friends. The failure of relationship after relationship and the continued engaging in destructive behaviour makes one think that maybe.... just maybe there's a blind spot I'm missing.

The destructive behaviours? Well, some are well in the past, others a work in progress. What I've been reminded of so sharply recently is that none of these changes will happen because of another person. And for someone like me? Well, any changes that are wrought by another are a poorly stitched substitute for working through things and making the tough choices all by yourself. As an example, quitting smoking because your partner tells you to may be successful. Certainly it's of enormous benefit to your health. But should that person disappear or not be there for whatever reason... what are the chances you'll be back on the fags?

So what did I gain from asking people about my own blind spots? Not a blasted thing. Maybe they were unwilling to tell me. Maybe they were too close for my own good. Or maybe if the blind spots were so pronounced that they could be seen by someone else, I may have noticed them myself. Who knows? No more asking others about my blind spots. The answers may be too scary!

Ow! Ak! Nnnhn!

Having returned to the gym after 9 months, my body seems to be rejecting all attempts at regaining fitness and tone. I'm in some pain and have a funny twinge in my back everytime I turn just so...

If nothing else, I'm eating healthier at the moment.

One of my best friends from high school comes in tomorrow night which will be a blast. I haven't seen him for 18 months so I'm sure the nights ahead will be filled with much food, drink and laughter.

The evil horde

Had a nightmare last night. Grotesque versions of the Evil Horde (yes, of She-Ra fame) were mooching around creeping me out. And then the TV told me that my lack of sympathy for its plight was going to mean dire consequences. It was only when the TV spoke to me that I had the good sense to pull myself out of the dream.

Oh yes, and my apartment is kind of scary in a post-nightmare state.

The best laid plans

Well, the new year was supposed to bring with it reformed behaviour and a focus on life outside of work. Somehow staying out at a drum and bass party until 5am isn't what defines 'reformed behaviour'. I almost never go to this particular club because I'm not a go-out-on-saturday-night type of guy. Besides which I'm invariably working on Sunday mornings so a club that doesn't start happening until after 1am isn't really on the cards. But I did have a good time. Every few months I just need to bust out completely, go silly and dance with that gangly, side-steppy, mime kung fu fighting thing that I do. So today has been a very slooooooooooooow day with going to the nearby hawker centre being the equivalent of an achievement.

Am looking forward to work starting back tomorrow. Am less looking forward to the slurpy cover letters I'm going to be writing and rejigging my resume that needs to happen over the next few days. Yes, I'm officially job-hunting. I don't hate my job. In fact I quite enjoy what I do. It's just the hours that are poor and I kind of figure that with my qualifications I don't need to be in that situation if I don't want to. It's a shit or get off the pot scenario. I'm really just doing this to motivate myself and am not expecting to pick up anything before mid-year but it is vital to at least have my resume out there for people to get back to me.

Tonight I leave with a joke of awesome awesomeness that was told to me last night :

A man walks into a bar. He sees some nuts in a bowl on the counter. Before he can reach for them the bartender comes over and asks for his order. He orders a pint and then reaches for a nut. Just as he's picking up the nut he hears a woman's voice say "Oh, is that a new tie? You really do look very handsome today!" Freaked out he looks around but can't see anyone around who could have said it. Confused, he wanders over to the cigarette machine and as he's pulling out a packet form the machine he hears a gruff man's voice saying "You're a right fucking twat, you know that? Go on then, get the fuck out of here you big pussy." Again, he looks around but there's no one there.

He goes back to the bar and asks the bartender "Listen, I'm hearing voices. I could have sworn I heard a woman's voice when I grabbed some nuts and some guy abusing me when I bought my cigarettes. The bartender offers an understanding smile, "Oh, I forgot to tell you, the nuts are complimentary and the cigarette machine's out of order."

I take all my own photos... of me...

Would you believe I'm only up to Herbie Hancock? No wonder I've been avoiding this task for years!

Went for drinks with one of my best mates here last night. Emerald Hill was very very quiet and we had shockingly terrible martinis until we switched to the much safer whiskey option. One of the things I always find interesting at Emerald Hill is that groups of (really hot) girls go out in small groups there. They rarely seem to be out looking to pick up guys, they just seem to go there to look hot and have some drinks.

I found out some interesting gossip about me as well. My friend informed me that I can pretty much have any girl I want (apparently 'the one' is not included in this group...) and that it's public knowledge that I'm sleeping with at least several of the Singaporean staff. What I like about public knowledge is that the truth doesn't need to get in the way of a good gossip. Not only am I sleeping with a couple of them but some of them are no longer on speaking terms because I'm now sleeping with the other.

The reality is that I'm sleeping with none of them, nor have I ever slept with any of them. I have very strict rules about shitting where I eat so to speak. I've broken this rule only once as an adult and that was because she was a 'one', so it was only natural to break it. I am, despite what everyone else in the world thinks, a relatively shy guy who doesn't like to be the centre of attention. I don't like my life being the fodder for gossip which is probably at least part of the reason why I compartmentalise my life so completely. So these are the fun things I learn about myself on a night out for drinks. My friend was cute because I think he partially told me this to find out whether any of it was true. As I said to him, if anyone at all knew it would be him (BFF moment *eyeroll*).

Makes you wonder about the celebrity thing. Is it better that people are talking about you salaciously than ignoring you completely?

I like new years

I have nothing of special interest to say about the end of one year and the start of another other than to say that I quite like the calendar ticking over that way. Feels like a fresh start, whether you deserve it or not.

Having been through all of my photos and archived and tagged them for future reminiscing a couple of weeks ago, the one last task ahead before work restarts was my music. Initial poor decision making has left me with a music collection where half is in MP3 format and the other half in AAC. AAC is a more efficient file format, it takes up a little less space on your hard-drive, but as I found out when I tried to do some editing a couple of years ago using Windows Movie Maker, AAC format music just will not comply. Try to lay a soundtrack or backing music down for a video and you will find yourself with only the MP3s to choose from. Generally this isn't a problem except that naturally the track you want to put down is one of the AAC format files.

So I've been promising myself for two and a half years (not a word... grrrr) that I would go into iTunes and convert all the AAC files into MP3s on the off chance that I do indeed want to use them for something some day. It's holidays and I set a task for myself, so here I find myself spending new year's day not nursing a hangover but nursing a file transformation procedure that has so far consumed about 6 hours of the day. I'm sure there's an easier way to do this but right now I'm having to go through every single folder of music and see if it's AAC or MP3 then locate it in iTunes, convert the file formats, delete the original AACs in favour of my shiny new MP3s then start the process all over again with the next album or song. Sigh... I should have been doing this years ago...