Blind Spots

Last night a friend asked me what I thought her weaknesses are. I tried to be honest in regards to her relationship issues but ultimately it's a very difficult and entirely subjective thing to comment on. Interestingly it's something I've asked the last couple of girls I've dated. To find out what the chinks in the armour are that I can't see. My blind spots.

As a teenager I went through a period of many months where I basically had no friends. No one to call at night and chat with. No one to catch a movie with. No one really to even have lunch with at school. I was inconsolable during this period, as it was only days, weeks, months ago that I did have these things. To find them ripped away in what at the time seemed the most calculated cruelty and now seems just a part of being a teenager, was devastating. During the time I rebuilt myself. I never changed so that I could be a part of things again, if anything this rebirth was quite the opposite. I found a deeper way of thinking and feeling things, promised myself that no outside force would ever define me again. That I would be what I was and the parts of the world that would come to me ultimately would. It all sounds very brave, but honestly, I cried myself to sleep at such realisations, not knowing whether the world would indeed find me once more.

As much as possible after this time I came to, for better or worse, have some kind of idea of what it was to be me. All this, and after some months, the world came back to me which is why, to this day, I'm blessed with such wonderful and individually brilliant friends. The failure of relationship after relationship and the continued engaging in destructive behaviour makes one think that maybe.... just maybe there's a blind spot I'm missing.

The destructive behaviours? Well, some are well in the past, others a work in progress. What I've been reminded of so sharply recently is that none of these changes will happen because of another person. And for someone like me? Well, any changes that are wrought by another are a poorly stitched substitute for working through things and making the tough choices all by yourself. As an example, quitting smoking because your partner tells you to may be successful. Certainly it's of enormous benefit to your health. But should that person disappear or not be there for whatever reason... what are the chances you'll be back on the fags?

So what did I gain from asking people about my own blind spots? Not a blasted thing. Maybe they were unwilling to tell me. Maybe they were too close for my own good. Or maybe if the blind spots were so pronounced that they could be seen by someone else, I may have noticed them myself. Who knows? No more asking others about my blind spots. The answers may be too scary!