Will the real Sox please stand up?

I was having dinner the other night with Miss K (yummy Peking Duck if you want to be jealous of me) when she explained that sometimes she couldn't "feel" me. We discussed this amidst grubby paws and she continued that at times when I speak it's with such an analytical voice, such a logical, detached voice (probably the one I'm using now), that it was very very difficult to engage on an emotional level with me. That other times I spoke with a degree of emotion that was touching.

The conversation got me thinking and I have to say I agree with her. I've known that I've been living with a kind of emotional disconnection for some time now. I've never known what to do about it. Probably never known how much it has affected my relationships. Not only does this kind of disconnect affect what I receive from others but also how I let those people bond to me. My relationships over the last couple of years, with the most wonderful girls, have ended a mess. I've pushed people away and honestly, I have no idea why.

So there are two me's. The me that empathises, cares and connects quickly and deeply with others. The me that gets me a girlfriend or draws friends to me. Then there's the me that is cold, hard, rational and doesn't allow emotion to influence the end outcome. Perhaps it's the former me that enters relationships and the latter me that ends them. I'm not honestly sure how one goes about "re-connecting". I don't even know if I can do it. But there are two me's. If I can then I only want one, and I know which one that is.

I think I mentioned in a previous post that I feel I'm beginning something. Something emotional or spiritual. Perhaps both. Miss K has been a catalyst for this but I feel that this is the path I've been looking for over the past decade. It's rocky and blind and I have no idea where it will take me but at least a path that leads to an old goal is one worth being on. In high school, it never interested me to be successful in the sense of money or job. Whenever anyone asked me and I was feeling perfectly honest, I would tell them that I just wanted to get the most from myself on an emotional and spiritual level. After a decade of booze and parties and people and places I feel that this original goal is a worthy one. One that I've allowed myself to ignore for some time.