Genuine Transition

I feel like I've entered a period of transition. Anyone that's followed my history would be forgiven for suggesting that I'm fairly permanently in a phase of transition. I have spent much of the last decade switching countries with alarming regularity and for many people such things are often the harbingers of great change. Not so for me. Switching countries has always just been something I do. A means of staving off boredom and inertia. While I've been very very fortunate to be in a position to do such things, it's never really meant that much to me. In a spiritual sense. In the beginning that's how it started and after a few years it just became one of those things I do.

The last two weeks has brought with it no small amount of turmoil. Since failing the exam, an emotional well long neglected has made itself known. Full to overflowing it has caused me to stop and think. I made a new acquaintance recently, lets call her Miss K. She has been at the epicentre of much of this period and for that I am truly grateful. What started as a couple of months of chatting, emailing and messaging finally led to a meeting. Quite honestly, meeting her blew my mind. She's smart, successful, flawed and very beautiful. In a country like this she shines. So what do I do? Naturally I fall flat on my face, heart in an outstretched hand for her. Without going in to detail, there's no chance of her and I being anything more than friends. But meeting her? That's the real gift.

I talked to her about signposts last week. How sometimes in life we are sent messages which send us in one direction or another. Sometimes they are events or offers and sometimes they are people. This conversation came about because she asked me how I came to be in Singapore. She's a signpost. The irony of the signpost coming in the form of a woman I can't have isn't lost on me, but I digress.

Miss K is strongly religious. Not just in the attending a weekly service kind of way. She lives in a way that truly reflects some of the vast beauty available to organised religion. The beauty my cynical mind never acknowledges. She talks to God and truly considers what his/her expectations are as well as how that balances with her own desires and goals. That said, she's not a zealot. She allows for other lifestyles, other faithes and is capable of making mistakes. Through the course of our conversations she's done the one thing I prize above most others, she has inspired me.

I've spent two weeks talking with God. Perhaps talking is the wrong word. More so allowing myself to have some kind of communion with him/her. Don't get me wrong, I'm still reasonably opposed to organised religion as a concept. I respect those who are involved in it, but it's not my thing. When I was younger I took this opposition to mean that I in fact did not believe in God. I found though that that was untrue. I did believe in God. Since then I hadn't explored this any further.

Even though this hasn't yielded any answers (I don't expect such fables), it's certainly awakened a side of me that has been there, muted for some time. It's made me consider more thoroughly what I've been given, what I have and what I can give. And honestly? It's been more satisfying to reflect on these things than all the booze and mates and broads I've had in my life.

I'm someone that believes in a fairy tale. That there is that "one" out there. I've spent my entire time searching for her. For the first time since puberty I feel like that's not the most important thing. Sure it would be nice. But I feel like there's some kind of path now. I think I'm saying that I'm not interested in finding her right now. There are just more powerful things happening. More room for me to grow and achieve that person everyone else seems to see but I feel like I've never reached.

I don't know if I will feel this way forever. Maybe I'm in the grip of some madness. Either way there's a lot for me to gain while I'm here.