Re-Erection

I spent the last two weeks in Bangkok doing an orientation course for a distance course that will now consume the next 9 months of my life. The upside is that I passed everything when the statistical majority failed. I'd rather say little about it other than it was tough and it's very understandable why some candidates fail.

Having come out the other side of orientation, I do feel somewhat different. Sure there was the course itself, but ultimately I didn't find it anywhere near as stressful as everyone I work with said I would find it. Granted I just scraped through it, but ultimately I handed in rubbish for one assessment and still made it through - so it's all good. I'll tell them i found it horrifically tough because that's what I'm supposed to say and it's less arrogant to go down that path.

I've also seen things about myself. I thought I was the non-judgemental type. I thought I was the guy that saw every side of things. But I'm not. Seeing all the 65yo white guys with 21yo girlfriends really brought out the worst in me. Honestly there could be so many many reasons as to why a 65yo could be happy with a 21yo girl but I could see none of that. I only saw the manipulative nature of the relationship (from both sides) of the arrangement. How could either side be fulfilled?

But honestly I've dated so many older women that I should be the last person to say a word. I think the larger portion of my annoyance came from seeing the way many of these men treated women. They are just meat to most of these guys. Money doesn't equate to respect. And I think that's a lesson both sides of the equation need to learn. This is a common one in Asia. But Thailand brings out the worst in me in regards to this debate. Ultimately I think men treat women like shit in SE Asia. But then that's my judgement. And doesn't account for the people that truly fall in love. The people I truly used to think were some kind of majority. They're not a majority. But nor, perhaps, should I regard them as a minority. Maybe I'm just starting to become cynical.

I've hurt enough people. Not deliberately. But sometimes these things just happen. Despite our best intentions, someone isn't right for you. And in your heart of hearts you know that to be true. It doesn't matter. Someone is going to get hurt in such a situation. Because that's the heart and when two people whose hearts meet? Well, that's the true Hollywood romance. Because the reality is that that is what we all want. What so few of us get. It does happen. So me? Well I'm just going to stop hoping. It does work sometimes. Most of the time I can't hear that hope, but in my heart it's there. A drumbeat is loud enough no matter how low it is that it will keep us going.